Miscarriages and Hope

I wrote this following post a really long time ago. At least 2 years ago. I had another miscarriage after the one I post about here and then a full term pregnancy and a healthy baby number 2. I think it's important to share these things so I'm publishing it now :)

Miscarriages are so incredibly emotional. This is my second one. I feel the need to mention that they were both very early, but if I'm honest, it doesn't matter for the purpose of this post. We can't compare pain. All I know is that, for me, this was hard.

A little over a month ago I had a doctors appointment for a regular physical. My doc asked if there was any changes in my health since my last visit and I mentioned the small possibility of a pregnancy but made sure to tell her that I hadn't even missed my period yet. 

The doctor said we should just do a test in case and I agreed, secretly buzzing inside with hope of another baby. I peed in a cup, she dipped the test, we waited. 


Okay, sad, but no big deal. We are in the middle of a big move and I really wanted to wait until we are settled and blah blah blah, boo, I'm sad. 

Examination was quick and we talked a little about my chubbiness and she said, "How tall are you?! You seem perfectly healthy to me. I mean, we could all use to lose a few pounds, but you are fine." 

I love this woman.

She stepped out so that I could get dressed. 

"I really like this doctor," I thought as I pull my pants back on. 

The door swings open as I'm standing there topless and she says, "It's positive! You get changed and them come see! I show you!" She couldn't wait to tell me and I could have cared less about being topless. I loved her enthusiasm. 

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!," said my brain. 

I pop my undershirt on, run into the hall and there is the glorious second line. 

We're gonna have A BABY!

She tells me not to get to excited, I understand she has to say this, but I AM SO PUMPED!

Two days later, I woke up from a fairly disturbing dream. In the dream I was in the bathroom and I started bleeding everywhere. It wouldn't stop and I knew that it wasn't good. It was clearly very upsetting, but I didn't let it bother me too much. I chalked it up to anxiety. 

Then come the symptoms, the OB visits, and telling the parents. Like I said, we were in the middle of moving so I felt like I should tell them so that they didn't think I was being a lazy butt when I refused to carry heavy stuff. 

The dream was in the back of my mind always, but I wasn't going to be too worried. 

Days after we told them, the bleeding began. Light at first and then heavier. Tuesday night I found myself in the bathroom bleeding just like I was in the dream. I was strangely comforted by the dream. The doctor asked me to come in for an ultrasound on a Wednesday. My mom came with me. I knew it couldn't be good, but I held out a lot of hope. When the ultrasound tech said that she couldn't find the sac, I was very sad. I tried to hold back tears. I felt silly. I felt embarrassed. I felt like I had failed. 

The doctor explained what would come next. Blood tests to see if something was wrong, HCG checks weekly, and lots of hormonal fun was to be expected. 

I went to work the next day. I don't know why.

Thursday I called in. (My work family is incredibly supportive)

Friday I called in again. (Incredibly supportive)
I stayed home and just planted myself on the couch wrapped in a blanket. WHY IS IT SO COLD IN HERE?! I had some head and body pain around noon so I took some IB Profin. That's when I check the thermostat. It was 82 degrees in the house. I thought nothing of it... weird woman that I am. 

Fast forward to Friday night, unbeknownst to me, the IB Profin had worn off and I had a fever of 102.5. I was shivering under the covers when I called my mom and after some conversation and a call to my OB we decided I should go to the ER.

My husband took me while our amazing friend Kelly watched Elliana. We ran into TWO of our close friends that work at the hospital and they expedited the process and got me set up with the best ER doc. God was clearly going ahead of us. The ER staff was incredibly nice. I received Morphine after about three hours and I cried with relief. My head and body pain had been more significant than I realized. The headache broke through and they gave me Dilauded. I was feeling great. They ran a ton of tests. It wasn't anything related to the miscarriage as far as they could tell and they sent me home. We still have no idea what that was.

That night I had a dream that I was still pregnant and I was 10 weeks along. 

That brings me to today. According to my calculations I would be about 10 weeks along this week. I am nauseous, tired, bloated and I haven't had a period yet. 

I realize that a lot of people don't share a lot about their pregnancy struggles, but I feel like it is important to share things like this. This is SO common. Miscarriages happen in 1 in every 3 pregnancies. Now, I am not saying that everyone should be so open, but I am not a shy person when it comes to these things and I just hope that other woman can benefit from knowing they are not alone. 

You are not alone in your sadness or your hope. 


A little bit of drama about Hand, Foot, & Mouth

What a nightmare!
Oh my goodness, you guys, I don’t like to be a whiner. I really wish I was one of those people, you know, that doesn’t say a word about their pain until they are practically dead. Although, lets be honest, that’s silly. The thing is, I am the opposite of this. I am a wuss & I have Hand, Foot, & Mouth disease.
So, not only is it painful, but it’s just gross. I feel like a walking germ. I have ULCERS in my mouth. Ulcers feel like the word sounds. It’s the perfect word. Open, painful, raw wounds in my mouth.Think, atomic cold sores on your tonsils and under your tongue.
Also, I love to eat & eating hurts.
This all started Monday night when Ellie had a fever face. The cutest little fever face in the world, but she clearly had a fever during bath time Monday night.
Fever Face
The next morning I tried to leave for work and Ellie clung to me like a spider monkey, arms & legs rapped tight, refusing to cease the wailing unless I clung back. Clearly something was wrong. I called into work.
Does anyone else feel guilty calling into work even if you have a COMPLETELY legitimate excuse? I still feel like I’m doing something sneaky. It’s not sneaky! My kid is sick! Why do I feel like a terrible human!?
Anyway, I snuggled in, turned on Gilmore Girls, & Ellie slept on my chest most of the morning. Now… I HATED that she was sick. Capitalized letters HATED it. See, I need you to grasp that before I tell you how wonderful it felt to have my busy little girl snuggled into my arms all day. I need you to know that so that I don’t sound like a crazy. I really really loved it though. We cuddled & watched Netflix & life was strangely wonderful.
Mommy & Sick
That’s about where that ended.
The next day Ellie had a doctor’s appointment where my mom & I learned that she had Hand, Foot, & Mouth Disease. Is there anything worse than going to the doctor to hear your kid has a virus and, “Sorry but there’s nothing we can do. Just keep her comfortable.”? Ooooooh, keep her comfortable! Got it. I was poking her with a hot iron all day! SO glad you told me!
Full disclosure, the doctor was actually really wonderful. Useless beyond diagnosis, but very very wonderful.
When we stripped her down so that the doctor could have a look at her we realized that she was covered in this red rash all over her body. Apparently this version of Hand, Foot, & Mouth was really Entire Body, mostly butt & mouth. Poor child.
The next day, after no sleep, I realized I might have a touch of something bad. I was cold, couldn’t get warm, & didn’t have the energy to go downstairs for a bagel. Bagels are what make the world go round, so you can do the math on that one. I was sick. Ellie was sick. I had a fever. Ellie had a fever. Poor Adam.
Well. Ellie seems better now. My mom was a God send during the whole ordeal. She took my rambling calls about the plight of my existence & cleaned my house & watched my contagious baby while I slept. Adam was awesome too; working, grocery shopping, and feeding us as much as we were willing to eat. He made lots of soft mac n cheese. Sore throats do well with mac n cheese.
Now, over a week into all of this nonsense and I still have ulcers in my throat. I went to my mom’s office to get them checked out and she confirmed the obvious, I have Hand, Foot, & Mouth too.
I talk about this like its the plague, but when you’re a busy, working mom, (is there any other kind) things like Hand, Foot, & Mouth can throw you into a tailspin. Especially if your a little dramatic & a major wuss. ;)
Luckily, I have SO many exciting things to look forward to this coming week & an iron clad excuse for not having Elliana’s Halloween costume picked out/ made.
Things are looking up!


Snowmageddon is Delicious

We are in the midst of a HUGE snowstorm and a HUGE change in our diet.

Therefore, after church, we hunkered down and made a HUGE pot of chili! It was really yummy. Adam did a great job making it. I then had a big craving for some hot cocoa. (Can you blame me?!) It's very snowy and we have this wonderful fire going and I just HAD to have hot cocoa. I didn't want to use a packet or make the traditional homemade cocoa because of the high amount of refined sugar. I looked up "homemade hod cocoa without sugar" and found this lovely recipe.


It's not nearly as sweet, but it hit the spot just the same!

I hope you're all staying warm and safe! We are supposed to get upwards of 16 inches of snow. I am pretty positive there is at least that much out there already!!!

Keep cozy, world!