Miscarriages and Hope

I wrote this following post a really long time ago. At least 2 years ago. I had another miscarriage after the one I post about here and then a full term pregnancy and a healthy baby number 2. I think it's important to share these things so I'm publishing it now :)

Miscarriages are so incredibly emotional. This is my second one. I feel the need to mention that they were both very early, but if I'm honest, it doesn't matter for the purpose of this post. We can't compare pain. All I know is that, for me, this was hard.

A little over a month ago I had a doctors appointment for a regular physical. My doc asked if there was any changes in my health since my last visit and I mentioned the small possibility of a pregnancy but made sure to tell her that I hadn't even missed my period yet. 

The doctor said we should just do a test in case and I agreed, secretly buzzing inside with hope of another baby. I peed in a cup, she dipped the test, we waited. 


Okay, sad, but no big deal. We are in the middle of a big move and I really wanted to wait until we are settled and blah blah blah, boo, I'm sad. 

Examination was quick and we talked a little about my chubbiness and she said, "How tall are you?! You seem perfectly healthy to me. I mean, we could all use to lose a few pounds, but you are fine." 

I love this woman.

She stepped out so that I could get dressed. 

"I really like this doctor," I thought as I pull my pants back on. 

The door swings open as I'm standing there topless and she says, "It's positive! You get changed and them come see! I show you!" She couldn't wait to tell me and I could have cared less about being topless. I loved her enthusiasm. 

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!," said my brain. 

I pop my undershirt on, run into the hall and there is the glorious second line. 

We're gonna have A BABY!

She tells me not to get to excited, I understand she has to say this, but I AM SO PUMPED!

Two days later, I woke up from a fairly disturbing dream. In the dream I was in the bathroom and I started bleeding everywhere. It wouldn't stop and I knew that it wasn't good. It was clearly very upsetting, but I didn't let it bother me too much. I chalked it up to anxiety. 

Then come the symptoms, the OB visits, and telling the parents. Like I said, we were in the middle of moving so I felt like I should tell them so that they didn't think I was being a lazy butt when I refused to carry heavy stuff. 

The dream was in the back of my mind always, but I wasn't going to be too worried. 

Days after we told them, the bleeding began. Light at first and then heavier. Tuesday night I found myself in the bathroom bleeding just like I was in the dream. I was strangely comforted by the dream. The doctor asked me to come in for an ultrasound on a Wednesday. My mom came with me. I knew it couldn't be good, but I held out a lot of hope. When the ultrasound tech said that she couldn't find the sac, I was very sad. I tried to hold back tears. I felt silly. I felt embarrassed. I felt like I had failed. 

The doctor explained what would come next. Blood tests to see if something was wrong, HCG checks weekly, and lots of hormonal fun was to be expected. 

I went to work the next day. I don't know why.

Thursday I called in. (My work family is incredibly supportive)

Friday I called in again. (Incredibly supportive)
I stayed home and just planted myself on the couch wrapped in a blanket. WHY IS IT SO COLD IN HERE?! I had some head and body pain around noon so I took some IB Profin. That's when I check the thermostat. It was 82 degrees in the house. I thought nothing of it... weird woman that I am. 

Fast forward to Friday night, unbeknownst to me, the IB Profin had worn off and I had a fever of 102.5. I was shivering under the covers when I called my mom and after some conversation and a call to my OB we decided I should go to the ER.

My husband took me while our amazing friend Kelly watched Elliana. We ran into TWO of our close friends that work at the hospital and they expedited the process and got me set up with the best ER doc. God was clearly going ahead of us. The ER staff was incredibly nice. I received Morphine after about three hours and I cried with relief. My head and body pain had been more significant than I realized. The headache broke through and they gave me Dilauded. I was feeling great. They ran a ton of tests. It wasn't anything related to the miscarriage as far as they could tell and they sent me home. We still have no idea what that was.

That night I had a dream that I was still pregnant and I was 10 weeks along. 

That brings me to today. According to my calculations I would be about 10 weeks along this week. I am nauseous, tired, bloated and I haven't had a period yet. 

I realize that a lot of people don't share a lot about their pregnancy struggles, but I feel like it is important to share things like this. This is SO common. Miscarriages happen in 1 in every 3 pregnancies. Now, I am not saying that everyone should be so open, but I am not a shy person when it comes to these things and I just hope that other woman can benefit from knowing they are not alone. 

You are not alone in your sadness or your hope. 

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