Miscarriages and Hope

I wrote this following post a really long time ago. At least 2 years ago. I had another miscarriage after the one I post about here and then a full term pregnancy and a healthy baby number 2. I think it's important to share these things so I'm publishing it now :)



Miscarriages are so incredibly emotional. This is my second one. I feel the need to mention that they were both very early, but if I'm honest, it doesn't matter for the purpose of this post. We can't compare pain. All I know is that, for me, this was hard.

A little over a month ago I had a doctors appointment for a regular physical. My doc asked if there was any changes in my health since my last visit and I mentioned the small possibility of a pregnancy but made sure to tell her that I hadn't even missed my period yet. 

The doctor said we should just do a test in case and I agreed, secretly buzzing inside with hope of another baby. I peed in a cup, she dipped the test, we waited. 

Negative. 

Okay, sad, but no big deal. We are in the middle of a big move and I really wanted to wait until we are settled and blah blah blah, boo, I'm sad. 

Examination was quick and we talked a little about my chubbiness and she said, "How tall are you?! You seem perfectly healthy to me. I mean, we could all use to lose a few pounds, but you are fine." 

I love this woman.

She stepped out so that I could get dressed. 

"I really like this doctor," I thought as I pull my pants back on. 

The door swings open as I'm standing there topless and she says, "It's positive! You get changed and them come see! I show you!" She couldn't wait to tell me and I could have cared less about being topless. I loved her enthusiasm. 

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!," said my brain. 

I pop my undershirt on, run into the hall and there is the glorious second line. 

We're gonna have A BABY!

She tells me not to get to excited, I understand she has to say this, but I AM SO PUMPED!

Two days later, I woke up from a fairly disturbing dream. In the dream I was in the bathroom and I started bleeding everywhere. It wouldn't stop and I knew that it wasn't good. It was clearly very upsetting, but I didn't let it bother me too much. I chalked it up to anxiety. 

Then come the symptoms, the OB visits, and telling the parents. Like I said, we were in the middle of moving so I felt like I should tell them so that they didn't think I was being a lazy butt when I refused to carry heavy stuff. 

The dream was in the back of my mind always, but I wasn't going to be too worried. 

Days after we told them, the bleeding began. Light at first and then heavier. Tuesday night I found myself in the bathroom bleeding just like I was in the dream. I was strangely comforted by the dream. The doctor asked me to come in for an ultrasound on a Wednesday. My mom came with me. I knew it couldn't be good, but I held out a lot of hope. When the ultrasound tech said that she couldn't find the sac, I was very sad. I tried to hold back tears. I felt silly. I felt embarrassed. I felt like I had failed. 

The doctor explained what would come next. Blood tests to see if something was wrong, HCG checks weekly, and lots of hormonal fun was to be expected. 

I went to work the next day. I don't know why.

Thursday I called in. (My work family is incredibly supportive)

Friday I called in again. (Incredibly supportive)

I stayed home and just planted myself on the couch wrapped in a blanket. WHY IS IT SO COLD IN HERE?! I had some head and body pain around noon so I took some IB Profin. That's when I check the thermostat. It was 82 degrees in the house. I thought nothing of it... weird woman that I am. 

Fast forward to Friday night, unbeknownst to me, the IB Profin had worn off and I had a fever of 102.5. I was shivering under the covers when I called my mom and after some conversation and a call to my OB we decided I should go to the ER.

My husband took me while our amazing friend Kelly watched Elliana. We ran into TWO of our close friends that work at the hospital and they expedited the process and got me set up with the best ER doc. God was clearly going ahead of us. The ER staff was incredibly nice. I received Morphine after about three hours and I cried with relief. My head and body pain had been more significant than I realized. The headache broke through and they gave me Dilauded. I was feeling great. They ran a ton of tests. It wasn't anything related to the miscarriage as far as they could tell and they sent me home. We still have no idea what that was.

That night I had a dream that I was still pregnant and I was 10 weeks along. 

That brings me to today. According to my calculations I would be about 10 weeks along this week. I am nauseous, tired, bloated and I haven't had a period yet. 

I realize that a lot of people don't share a lot about their pregnancy struggles, but I feel like it is important to share things like this. This is SO common. Miscarriages happen in 1 in every 3 pregnancies. Now, I am not saying that everyone should be so open, but I am not a shy person when it comes to these things and I just hope that other woman can benefit from knowing they are not alone. 

You are not alone in your sadness or your hope. 

A little bit of drama about Hand, Foot, & Mouth

What a nightmare!

Oh my goodness, you guys, I don’t like to be a whiner. I really wish I was one of those people, you know, that doesn’t say a word about their pain until they are practically dead. Although, lets be honest, that’s silly. The thing is, I am the opposite of this. I am a wuss & I have Hand, Foot, & Mouth disease.

So, not only is it painful, but it’s just gross. I feel like a walking germ. I have ULCERS in my mouth. Ulcers feel like the word sounds. It’s the perfect word. Open, painful, raw wounds in my mouth.Think, atomic cold sores on your tonsils and under your tongue.

Also, I love to eat & eating hurts.

This all started Monday night when Ellie had a fever face. The cutest little fever face in the world, but she clearly had a fever during bath time Monday night.

The next morning I tried to leave for work and Ellie clung to me like a spider monkey, arms & legs rapped tight, refusing to cease the wailing unless I clung back. Clearly something was wrong. I called into work.

Does anyone else feel guilty calling into work even if you have a COMPLETELY legitimate excuse? I still feel like I’m doing something sneaky. It’s not sneaky! My kid is sick! Why do I feel like a terrible human!?

Anyway, I snuggled in, turned on Gilmore Girls, & Ellie slept on my chest most of the morning. Now… I HATED that she was sick. Capitalized letters HATED it. See, I need you to grasp that before I tell you how wonderful it felt to have my busy little girl snuggled into my arms all day. I need you to know that so that I don’t sound like a crazy. I really really loved it though. We cuddled & watched Netflix & life was strangely wonderful.

That’s about where that ended.

The next day Ellie had a doctor’s appointment where my mom & I learned that she had Hand, Foot, & Mouth Disease. Is there anything worse than going to the doctor to hear your kid has a virus and, “Sorry but there’s nothing we can do. Just keep her comfortable.”? Ooooooh, keep her comfortable! Got it. I was poking her with a hot iron all day! SO glad you told me!

Full disclosure, the doctor was actually really wonderful. Useless beyond diagnosis, but very very wonderful.

When we stripped her down so that the doctor could have a look at her we realized that she was covered in this red rash all over her body. Apparently this version of Hand, Foot, & Mouth was really Entire Body, mostly butt & mouth. Poor child.

The next day, after no sleep, I realized I might have a touch of something bad. I was cold, couldn’t get warm, & didn’t have the energy to go downstairs for a bagel. Bagels are what make the world go round, so you can do the math on that one. I was sick. Ellie was sick. I had a fever. Ellie had a fever. Poor Adam.

Well. Ellie seems better now. My mom was a God send during the whole ordeal. She took my rambling calls about the plight of my existence & cleaned my house & watched my contagious baby while I slept. Adam was awesome too; working, grocery shopping, and feeding us as much as we were willing to eat. He made lots of soft mac n cheese. Sore throats do well with mac n cheese.

Now, over a week into all of this nonsense and I still have ulcers in my throat. I went to my mom’s office to get them checked out and she confirmed the obvious, I have Hand, Foot, & Mouth too.

I talk about this like its the plague, but when you’re a busy, working mom, (is there any other kind) things like Hand, Foot, & Mouth can throw you into a tailspin. Especially if your a little dramatic & a major wuss. ;)

Luckily, I have SO many exciting things to look forward to this coming week & an iron clad excuse for not having Elliana’s Halloween costume picked out/ made.

Things are looking up!

Snowmageddon is Delicious

We are in the midst of a HUGE snowstorm and a HUGE change in our diet.

Therefore, after church, we hunkered down and made a HUGE pot of chili! It was really yummy. Adam did a great job making it. I then had a big craving for some hot cocoa. (Can you blame me?!) It's very snowy and we have this wonderful fire going and I just HAD to have hot cocoa. I didn't want to use a packet or make the traditional homemade cocoa because of the high amount of refined sugar. I looked up "homemade hod cocoa without sugar" and found this lovely recipe.

http://girlmeetsnourishment.com/homemade-real-food-hot-chocolate-sweeted-with-honey-merry-christmas/

It's not nearly as sweet, but it hit the spot just the same!

I hope you're all staying warm and safe! We are supposed to get upwards of 16 inches of snow. I am pretty positive there is at least that much out there already!!!

Keep cozy, world!

Strides & Motherhood

Î

My daughter, Elliana Jean Chambers, was born on February 27th, 2013. She is lovely. Her eyes are blue and I can't help but smile when someone mentions them in connection to mine. Her skin is light like mine as well. Otherwise, she is her father through and through. She has his adorable button chin and his smiling eyes. They might look like mine, but they twinkle like his when she's up to no good.

Elle bell, as I like to call her, has been crawling for a while now. She can really move! Lately she has been attempting to take steps on her own. Mostly, though, she will realize as soon as my fingers have left her hands and plop right down on her tush. She knows she's not quite balanced enough yet.

Adam is now working at Yoder Financial Services for Dale Yoder. I can't even explain what a blessing that has been. Dale is one of the most respectable and honest people I know, plus he is funny and light-hearted and can banter with Adam. Adam needs banter and someone that he can respect to teach him about financial services.

I am still here at Grace Hospice. I really enjoy it for the most part. Often, I feel that my job is too fun to be a job. I would say the major downfall of this job is that it is far from my Elle bell and it makes it hard to keep up with all the things I would like to do with her and around our home.

Keeping life in order has been a bit difficult for us since Elliana was born. Adam and I are what we like to call "closet perfectionists". If you were to look from the outside, you wouldn't think we were. The house can be messy, the cars for sure, and I am certainly not well dressed most of the time. The thing is, we are all too aware of our downfalls and shortcomings and are so very determined to fix them all. Today.

So far we have made major strides in our financial life, organization of the house, and are currently on a crusade to clean up our diets.

For the month of January we are attempting to eat less/no refined flour and sugar. I say less because Saturdays are our big fat cheat days and we intent to full indulge! So yes, less/no.

Financially, we took a class. Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. It was really great and has taught us a lot. Now, I do a budget for us every two weeks. It takes about 15 minutes, but it keeps us on track and makes sure we are paying everything and saving lots. 15 minutes might be wrong... it probably takes me an hour. BUT it's worth it.

Here's the thing, though. We are going to be teaching the class now. This brings me to our next downfall. Time management.

We are doing better... I will say that. AND we are cooking at home more and keeping up with the housework. It just often feels like we are chasing our proverbial tails.

I will say, however, that we watched a movie last night that was quite lovely and made me thing deeply on the subject of time. It is call "About Time" and and is very literally about time. It was, honestly, inspiring.

Watch it sometime :)

Well, I think this is long enough. If you have read all of that, "Well done, you!" (but I think you might have some time management issues on your hands!;)

Be here now,

Korey Anna

Oh my! Also, it is Mary's birthday today! (Mary is my 23 (?) year old little sister.) I could (and probably will) write an entire blog post on this woman.

A couple-a old posts

These two posts were originally posted in 2012. Just wanted them on this blog so everything is in one place...

Soooo,... I've got a lot of things on my mind. So, I spent about an hour creating this blog and realizing how incredibly behind I am with technology, or maybe this is just really that complicated. Anyway, I am now too tired to type everything out. Here are some basic details.

I am married to a really wonderful man.

I am pregnant.

I work at a hospice.

They just FINALLY fixed this HUGE pothole that has literally broken my car multiple times.

Hmmm, what else?

There's been a lot of changes in my life as of late. Graduated college, moved to a city, started my first "real job", moved again, started a better job, married a stud, bought a house, moved again, got pregnant, found another job, and here I am.

Did I mention, I'm not good with change? Hence the title of this blog. Lately, I feel like the sky is falling and yet I realize how absurd some of my reactions are. Most of them are in my head. My husband and I are pretty well stressed out of our minds.  He has been working like crazy to find a job. I have been working like crazy to form a baby and keep us financially afloat. Luckily, we are best friends, so we are still happy and in love, but it is taking it's toll.

Sometimes, when I come home from work and he is relaxing for a second, I want to strangle him. But, I so badly need a hug by that time that I'd rather just snuggle. He is quite a sweet man. Darn him.

We have a puppy named Oliver. He is a chihuahua. I feel like I need to clarify that he is a "cute" chihuahua. His momma was a pregnant rescue. We got him last October and we love him a lot. He's a snuggler too. :)

Well, I guess that's all for now. I will blog more soon. Nonsense into the abyss.

Saturday morning, in bed, wondering why I can't sleep in any later than 8 am. Hmmm... I suppose that could change once the bundle of joy arrives. What with being up at all hours of the night.

In related news, I told my boss that I was Pregnant yesterday. I felt immensely guilty about it, then quickly came the anger that follows my irrational feelings. Later, as the reality of how things were going to have to be sunk in, anger was replaced by a nagging sadness that logic and reason could not touch. So unnecessary.

The sadness came when I realizes how much time I would be missing with my baby. I will be off of work long enough to give birth (ahhhh!!!!) and recover. Then "hi ho hi ho" it's off to work I go. I guess this just wasn't my idealist's dream of motherhood. Not that staying home would live up either. I don't know who or what to blame for my idealist mind or whether I even want it to go away. It just comes with consequences. And guilt.

There are plenty of woman around the world that don't get to stay at home with their children for as long as they would like! Why should I think that I should be entitled to such a rare experience? That's my little friend guilt. Really talented at twisting any desire I have into some selfish, spoiled, insensitive ideal that I have no right to aspire to.

In other news, I have the most bizarre dreams right now. Dreams about old friends and boyfriends and crushes and random people that I may have gone to a party with once in college. In any case, the dreams are vivid and often simply odd. Parts of houses of childhood friends mesh with immaculate and structurally impossible houses from my imagination to create the backdrop to my space cadet dreams. I haven't had any scary ones though. Sleep is mostly entertainment broken up by urgent wakings to pee.

Pregnancy is so incredibly weird. My mom says she enjoyed it after the first trimester. Here's to hoping! There's no doubt in my mind I am going to love my kid to a fault. I am more concerned about making it through the next 6 months with some poise. Constantly running to the bathroom and violent emotional outbursts, along with bizarre sleeping and waking, can make a girl tired, overwhelmed, and craving her old self.

That is another frustrating thing. It's not like I was a marathon runner before I got pregnant, but I do not like being told that I can't do something. Now, obviously, I would stand on my head for nine months singing the song that never ends if it guaranteed my baby would be healthy and happy. I just get overwhelmed by the list of things I cannot do or eat. I can't carry heavy stuff, so Adam carries all the laundry upstairs (this is not the worst thing ever). I just don't like losing independence. And I can't have feta cheese and that sucks.

Well, I have probably complained enough for one morning. I am now going to try to rouse the sleeping bear man so we can go get out traditional Saturday morning breakfast. Life really is pretty good on Saturday mornings.

Enjoy your weekends lovely world!

P.S. The Olympic opening ceremony was something else, eh?

It has been nearly a year since I my last blog. In the last year I started a new job, got hitched, and bought a house. Yipes!

I am married to Adam Chambers, most gentle and handsome man. The patience he has for me and my shenanigans is saint-like. I suppose I put up with some things as well. Marriage is

How would I even finish that sentence... really? It just is.

One of the things I have learned from marriage already is that there is no human that can be as near to you as God can. The feelings of love and affection, peace and adoration, safety and comfort, that come with marriage are still just feelings. It's an intense thought, but nothing is promised. All is grace. Adam is the greatest grace God has blessed me with, but he is a grace in my life. He does't belong to me the way he belongs to God. Same goes for me. We belong in the arms of Jesus.

That's where the peace that passes understanding abides. In His arms. I learned in college after the tragic loss of a dear, dear friend, that life is fragile and fleeting, but the love of God is never ending, never failing, never faltering. It's the only solid, perfect, guarantee. That He will never leave us or forsake us.

Mmmmm, the comfort that comes with that. It wouldn't be comforting at all if I wasn't aware of the sobering truths of this world. It is SO comforting to me though.

Good gracious, lighten up there Kor!

This has been an incredible year. Just excited about all of the things I have learned. The frustrating truth is that I seem to re-learn things over and over again! Thankful to have a God that is patient and continues to gently teach me the same lessons year after year.

I think I might have found my new home!

God.

So good.

I went to a church yesterday and felt more at home than I have in 6 years of searching. YES!

Again, He is faithful. AGAIN! :)

Wow...

So Happy.

Korey

I always put too much milk on my cereal!

I am eating cereal in my room right now. I filled up on the chex and now I can't finish my milk. I do this... EVERY. TIME. :)

So, life has been surprising lately. I believe the schedule guy at work must be some sort of sage, mind reader, future see-er. This is why. I worked this past weekend and when I look on the schedule I saw that I wasn't scheduled again until Friday! That meant I had four whole days off. WHAT?! So, I wasn't very happy about that. But, I tell ya what, these last four days have been the greatest blessing. I have been able to slow down and BREATH! j

In and out.

So nice.

I feel like I am alive again. It's like I've been sprinting for the last month and I am just now getting enough time to stop and catch my breath. I tend to feel guilty for taking breaks or taking time off. For some reason I feel the need to be doing and moving and working at all times. These last few days I have just calmed the heck down. I still accomplished a lot. But, it wasn't because I made a list and a time frame and made myself stick to every little detail. It's been amazing.

Now tomorrow I go back to work. Back to a job that is amazing and exciting, but also draining and heart-breaking at times. I am ready though. I am refreshed and ready to give 100%. No more just making it through the day, I am strong enough to give my all tomorrow. I just need to take these breaks more often.

The other thing that is amazing right now is the fact that God has been really faithful in giving me what I need... not so much what I want. I didn't want to be here in Essexville, MI for the next year and a half. But I have really just started to feel at home here. I won't give you all the details, but so many little things have started to fall into place. NOW, I just need to find a church.

Alright, that's some what of an update... somewhat of a mess. Sort through if you want! :)

Love,
Korey

This is autumn...

And I love it. :)

I didn't take this photo. Unfortunately. I just am loving this weather! His faithful love.

Korey

This is somewhat painful...

So... not going back to Spring Arbor. Interesting, hard, exciting, terrifying... it pretty much feels like a big jumbled ball of emotion that I'd rather toss out the window than unravel. I was pretty bummed for a bit there. Now that things have gotten more settled here in good ol' bay city I feel much better.

Secondly, I have finished my internship. I have NOT written my paper yet. That will probably be what I try to do today. SO thrilled that it is over. It was a great experience... but it kept me way too busy.

Thirdly :), work is still great. I have been on the adolecent side most of the time these days... and I tell ya what, it's heart wrenching. BUT, it is probably the most rewarding thing I've done, too. VERY bittersweet. OH, if you don't know what I'm talking about---> I work at a inpatient mental hospital. So, we get adults who are picked up on the street and are psychotic or adults that haven't been taking or have been abusing medications, or guys that are headed to jail and pretend to be crazy so they can postpone it. WELL, I've been working the adolescent side. A much smaller wing of the hospital where children come if they are have extreme behavioral issues, or if they have done something that suggests serious mental instability. Anyway, it's heavy... but really important work. I like it for the most part. BUT I am looking elsewhere. I don't know how long I can stay.

K, onto the best part... I went MOUNTAIN BIKING yesterday!!! It was AMAZING. Adam and I were just going to stick to the really easy trails because I had never been before. Welllll... we ended up on a harder one. I was doing really well and hitting every feature (even if that meant going back and hitting it twice)... so we started riding faster. It was a blast and I was feeling pretty confident. So we come around a corner and Adam goes down the hill and disappears. I follow after and notice that there's a LOT going on at the bottom. NO problem! I've got this... So I continue down the hill and there's some pretty rocky terrain and then a man made bridge just off the ground that curves to the left as SOON as you hit the bottom of the hill. If you don't make that left it's a straight shot into a tree. So, all this to say... I got over the rocks and I hit the bridge, but I DEFINITELY didn't turn in time. OH I turned... just in time to slam sideways into the tree!!! Needless to say I'm a little bruised. My face has a cherry read rash on my right chin that extends down my neck.

I am proud to say I was able to get back on the bike and ride the rest of the way out (Thanks to Adams incredible patience, kindness, and encouragement!). We found a side trail that was pretty flat after a while and took it. I plan to go again soon. This time, I'll avoid the trees! :)

So, even though I'm not at college anymore and everything feels like it's changing... I am finding new adventures and having a blast.

So much love,

Koreyanna

This is Exhaustion

For the past week I have been going to my internship in the morning and then going to work in the afternoons. It has been crazy. I talked to a girl last night at work who worked a full time job, a part time job, went to nursing school, and had two kids. I asked her how she did it and she said, "Poor people just know how to work!"

In other news, I am joining a gym and starting spinning classes. That should be a hoot. I hear they are really difficult, but really fun. I think I am going to go to my first one today. Yikes! I hope I don't fall off the bike.

Tomorrow I start night shift. 11pm to 7am I will be at work. I'll do that tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday nights. We'll see how that goes. Hopefully I will just take some energy drinks and read a book. I hear that things are either really crazy or really quiet on night shift.

I haven't written anything about my job yet! Well, I am a Mental Health Worker. I work at an inpatient facility where patients are either petitioned to come, picked up by the police, sent from jail, or admit themselves voluntarily, because they are a threat to themselves or others. The thing that amazes me is that these patients are often times really kind, interesting, and funny people. Anyway, I take vitals, do one to one interviews about their precautions (such as suicidal precautions, assultive precautions, ect.) run groups, and make sure they have everything they need. I also chart on the patients so that the therapists and doctors know about how they have been behaving throughout the day and if they are a risk.

It's a really fun job. Always something new and always exciting. I have been training on second shift this last week and I love it. I wish I could post stories from work, but I think it would be a HIPPA violation if someone recognized something about a patient and could tell who it was.

Generally, the patients are soooo interesting. I will tell you that one patient peed in the sink in our day room yesterday. He just walked right up to it and peed. One of the workers, obviously, confronted him, but what in the world are you supposed to do? He finished and walked out and it got taken care of. Another patient told me that he was outside talking to his cousin today and after he noticed everyone looking at him funny he realized that his cousin wasn't really there at all. He said, "I was talking to the wall! Man, I really thought he was there."

I don't think anyone can identify the patients from those stories. But, anyway, it's a really really interesting job and I love this field of work.

I have been able to spend a lot more time in the Word lately. It's funny to me that when life gets more hectic I can suddenly find time for that. I know it's because it is one of the main outlets for me and one of the huge encouragers. It also energizes me and gives me strength.

Lastly, Elyse and Mary have both decided to be dumb and go far far away. I miss them both terribly and am pretty sure I will never forgive them. Okay, that's not true at all, but I do miss them. I am very proud of them both and am, of course, very happy for their exciting new adventures. There will be lots of traveling this year. I can already see that :)

Welp. I think that's about all I have in the noggin that I want to share with the world.

Good things. Tired as all get out... but good things.

Hugs all around,

Korey

PS. I applied for first shift and it was granted. After I finish out this schedule I will be working 7am-3pm instead of 11pm-7am. This makes me happy...

This is the Real World (Bay City)

Waaaaaaaaaaaapalapa (I have been being professional all day. It's not my style...)


Change is hard... but good? I say this because it is true and I fully expect it to come full circle for me soon.

So. I started my job. For serious this time... I was on time every day and made sure to read everything they gave me. I was on the unit today a bit and met Ryan Seacrest's fiance. It was amazing. She also sang me a Bon Jovi song. "It's my life and it's now or never!!!"

In all seriousness, I am really excited about this job. Things are really weird for me these days and it's gonna be cool to have something new to keep my mind occupied.

Here's how I feel about not going back to school--> A large part of me wants to be content. But another large part of me wants to go back to what I am used to. Back to the amazing support system, relentless love, and ridiculous memories that were at Spring Arbor.

This milestone of graduating and getting a job and an apartment just makes it so obvious how fast time flies.

I will be working night shift and I'm pretty nervous about it. 11 pm to 7 am. Yeesh.

I'm going to a youth group tonight here in Bay City. I really feel the need to sing with purpose today. I think something inside of me is really really hungry for music and Jesus.

Alrighty-o. Well, need to stay positive!

Loves and Smooches,

KoreyAnna

This is what I know

We All Need Saving Sometimes
Jon McLaughlin

.Say what you will.

.but the time that we fill.

.While we're on the earth.

.Should not be alone.

.We were meant to be known.

I have lovely friends. Thank the Lord for the blessing that they are to me. We were not meant to be alone... we were meant to be known.

.

I am at my internship right now. On lunch break.

Another thing I know. - You eat 30-40% less if you eat alone rather than eating with others -

.

I really like lunch time here because I can just come into my office and be alone for a bit to think and process and breath. Oh, and eat. We had Olive Garden today! WOO HOO! They have lunch here almost every day. People just bring it. It's like magic. Free magic. :)

.

I need to start adding pictures to my blogs. Yes, yes I do.

.

That is all I know today.

.

OH! That's a lie. I also know that Pandora is awesome. If you want to go old school with it it's "The Bomb" and if I were to go a little further I'd say it was the "Bomb diggity."

K, That's it.

This is melting.

Jason Morant - Delight lyrics
Artist: Jason Morant
Album: Abandon
Year: 2004
Title: Delight

Surrounded by Your shadow every need I have is met

When I'm waiting in Your presence every fear
Is put to rest

You belong to me and I belong to You

Nothing will ever come my way
That You won't see me through

I delight in the beauty of Your holiness
Because I won't find a love like Yours
In all the earth

In the quiet of Your chambers the love
I feel is made complete

In the mercy You have granted
I will rest for all eternity

You belong to me and I belong to You

Nothing will ever come my way
That You won't see me through

I delight in the beauty of Your holiness

Because I won't find a love like Yours
In all the earth

(Because I won't find a face like Yours
In all the earth)


I started my internship! It is amazing. More on that later.

This weekend was really nice. I went to a wedding in Wisconsin with Adam (my wonderful boyfriend) and then had lunch in Chicago on the way home. It was a really nice wedding and I really enjoyed spending time with Adams parents. PLUS I got to wear my new dress and shoes. :)

I am overwhelmed lately with changes. Getting older and getting a job. Thinking about my future and all of the adventures that I wish to have and remembering all of the sweet things I have done. Making new friends and missing old friends... and remembering friends that are no longer with me. Life is such a beautiful mess of experiences and moments. How I have chosen to act in those moments and how I have chosen to react to those experiences has shaped my character and hardened and melted my heart time and time again.

Right now I am pretty melty. :)

God is good. ALL THE TIME. ALL the time. all the time.

Wishing you many melting moments,
Korey

Casual Fridays

Here is a story for you...

So. I graduated. I secured a job. And this is what happened.

Two weeks ago I lost all of my paperwork for the job that I was starting in a week. I looked everywhere for it and did not find any trace of it.

Orientation Week...
Day One: I could not sleep. Thought process went something like this... I'm going to be late. They aren't going to give me new paperwork. I probably won't even make it there... I'm terrible with directions. I'll probably end up on the other side of the state and my car will break down or run out of gas and I'll never amount to anything and end up on the streets scraping gum off of park benches for the rest of my life smelling like BO and muttering on and on under my breath about that one fateful day when I missed the first day of orientation...

It got progressively worse and more and more ridiculous as the night went on. I drifted in and out of sleep/nightmares of naked orientations...

Needless to say I was up about 2 hours before I needed to be. I used the excess time to attempt cover up the three lovely red bumps that had formed on my chin over night. The makeup just made it look worse. Thrilling start to the day.

I left the apartment and made my way easily to work listening to Jason and trying to convince myself that everything was going to be just fine.

When I arrived I went straight to the front desk and asked what time orientation began. "Oh, an hour from now? Okay, I'll just go wait in my car." So, I did.

I made my way back into the building and was directed to HR where I filled out tons of paperwork, neglected to ask for a new orientation schedule, and had a pretty shiny forehead ID picture taken. Twice.

The rest of the day was spent sitting in a chair listening to different lectures. Basically, don't be late, don't let anyone die, and realize that if you are part time you have no benefits. They people were really nice though and things began to look up.

Day Two: New room. Learned about bed sores. Sick. Spilled plate all over the place at lunch and gave my cell phone and wallet a lasagna/cottage cheese bath. Mmmm...

Day Three:

9:00 Meeting with the Women's Shelter I hope to volunteer at. So cool.

3:40 Finger printing appointment. Got lost on the way. Cried. Showed up late. Fingerprinted. Lost Cell phone.

Day Four: Slept in. Boyfriend returns cell. 7 new messages. "Why weren't you at orientation yesterday... and today?" Crap Crap CRAP CRAP! This is the moment I realized that I was supposed to attend the Wednesday and Thursday orientations even though I wasn't a nurse. WHY DIDN'T I ASK FOR A NEW SCHEDULE!!!!!!!!!

STUPID STUPID STUPID!

Day Five: Pretty excited that it's casual Friday because I got to wear jeans to work and I worked at a place that had casual Fridays. I felt like an adult. CPR Training. Entered the room and answered co-workers concerned questions about my absence. Signed in and had a TB test. "Oops... you'll probably have a bruise", said the nice nurse. "That's okay."

CPR Training begins. I feel someone walk up behind me... "Are you Korey?"

"Yes"

"HR needs to speak with you"

"Okay" Crap Crap Crap Crap

So I took the walk of doom in my casual Friday jeans.

Fired.

I cried like a baby in front of the HR rep and she said she would see what she could do. Turns out I'll just re-do orientation in a month.

I suck at being an adult... but, ya know, as my mother, my boyfriend, any my best friend Elyse said, "These things happen."

I will do better next time. It was a learning experience and now I have a month to memorize the companies policies and orientation booklet.

I am gonna be so orientated next month that they won't even know what to do with me.

Goodness Gracious.

Korey Anna

Future

I am terrified.
There is so much to be done... more than I can handle right now it seems.

Things I need to do:
Find my bag with my bible and purse in it (missing that terribly)
Do my laundry
Clean my room
Do homework (not going to list it all... too much)
Stop over- booking all of my days
Figure out my internship
Get a job
Save money

AHHHHHHHHHH

This is my desire...

A young girl is learning to play the piano. She has been playing for a year now. She attends a concert with her mother where a pianist plays beautiful music and plays it so very well. The girl is discouaged... not knowing if she will EVER be able to play that well and feeling like a failure for not being at that level of excellence. She is overwhelmed. What does good enough even look like?

This is how I have felt. I see what it looks like to be the woman of God that I want to be... but I am overwhelmed with the persistent and diligent pursuit of wisdom and experience that this will require. I have realized with the help of my brothers and sisters that that Lord has blessed me with recently, that what God asks is our best. His best is something to constantly reach for and with practice we will get closer and closer. Let us run the race... mount up on wings like eagles... and not grow weary. It's a long journey... but I will run the race set out before me with passion and diligence.

This is what I desire more than anything in the world. To be infiltrated by and to have written on my heart the fruits of the spirit. To have them saturate so potently everything I am.

**************************************************
Galatians
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
********************************************

I want to be renewed. I want to experience the Lord's love and allow it to overflow into everything I am and everything I do.


Bethany Dillon
New

What is this sun that conquers mountains
Singing over what has been asleep?
What is it that softens all my doubting?
It's you

Morning brings a hunger for new eyes
That have been covered by the hurt of yesterday
Who could create in me the vision of a little child?
It's you

You take an ordinary day
And turn it into flowers like the month of May
Yes you do
You see all my pain
You cry over it for hours till I'm new again
Yes you do

When I have been a victim of familiarity
When my heart has fallen into sleep
Healing is the voice that awakens me
And it is you

You take an ordinary day
And turn it into flowers like the month of May
Yes you do
You see all my pain
You cry over it for hours till I'm new again
Yes you do
You, you make me new...

For about a month now I have been struggling with a loss of direction, purpose, and passion. When this scripture was read to me today I felt warm tears spill onto my cheeks. I felt His voice. For the first time in so long I felt my Love, my Friend, my God's pressence. I feel as if I have purpose again.

2 Peter 1

3 His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

4 Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature (CHRISTLIKE!) and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

5 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge;

6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;

7 and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.

8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

9 But if anyone does not have them, he is short-sighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

10 Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall,

11 and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

I think I could work towards this for the rest of my life and never master it. But these two passages of scripture will give me something solid to work towards. I am no longer overwhelmed. I am excited and ready to serve. :)

Praise the Lord for His goodness and faithfulness.
He has brought me, once again, back into fellowship with Him
and has restored purpose and direction into my life.

Be blessed :)

Korey Ann Canfield

This is an "I love you:" moment

There is this thing that I do… sometimes I am better at it than other times… but I call it my “I love you” moments with God. Things like the snow sparkling or the clouds parting. Just a little thing here or there that is beautiful in its own way. Sometimes, it might be something someone says or an opportunity to encourage someone else. Whatever it may be, it works really well. When Kyle passed away last year I remember finding this folk singer, Denison Witmer, and listening to his music all day long from class to class on my little MP3 player. There is this one song that goes like this…

How you found me out

I still never understand (There was so much that I couldn’t understand but I realized in the next line that it didn’t really matter… because all I knew was that God was there with me through it all.)
Thoughts you can't take with you when you go
You were waving flags that bear the colors of your love
I didn't know (I had come to a new realization… that God was quietly showing His love to me… sometimes yelling it to me… and I didn’t realize it until everything else in life seemed to stop.)

Orange for the vineyards
Blue is for the rivers
Green goes like a hillside covered now
White is not surrender despite what you've been told
It's clouds of hope (Hope was a concept that, as dramatic as it may sound, was lost on me for a long time… but seeing His beauty and faithfulness slowly restored the hope I had in Him… the hope I have in human beings is still shaky…)

That fall on you now
Save you now (x2)

One time we met
You were outside floating in the forest
I placed my stigmata on your hands
Little flowers that you have sawn show people you have known
That I am love (Another realization that I had… it wasn’t the huge proclamations of love that really made me miss Kyle… it was his daily presence, his personality, his laugh, his consistency, and faithfulness in our relationship no matter what the title was. I realized that so much of what inspires people and moves there inner being toward Christ was the small ways we love them daily…)

And fall on you now
Save you now (x2)

Music is amazing when it comes to getting me through things… but nature, God’s work, is was really hits a chord somewhere deep inside. Something radical happened in my heart, an awareness that was not known before Kyle went home. Losing him made me really think, made me exhausted in every aspect of my life, and helped me reach the point of emptiness that can be amazing or terrifying. I remember wishing I could just get wasted… fill that void with anything pleasant… anything that would numb me. But, I also felt such a strong pull towards God. Towards a deeper healing and something in my wouldn’t allow me to go down that destructive road. So many of us wanted to, I know it’s true. I still can’t believe the changes I have seen in my friends. All good… But anyway, back to the daily reminders. I had been doing that before Kyle passed away… but obviously… my need for Christ, and my need for affirmation of His mere existence heightened my senses to Him. Ha… I am remembering one day last year, I was soooooooo angry because I had to go to class and my roommate had just started crying before I left. I started walking and, as I approached the Oak Tree, tears started streaming down my face. I didn’t know what I was even doing here. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew one of the HUGE leaves off of the tree and it smacked me so hard in the side of the head I almost fell down. In my already fragile emotional state I began laughing hysterically. I felt completely silly and suddenly I could feel God laughing with me. Little things like that got me through that semester and following summer. And still… when it rains on a warm summer day, it’s for me… and when the snow sparkles and no one is looking at that particular patch of snow but me… it’s for me… and when I am walking down the sidewalk and look to my left for no apparent reason and there is a dandelion… it’s for me… and we some random leaf falls from the sky and smacks me back into life… it’s God saying… lighten up… I love you… and we’ll both see you soon.

BE HERE NOW.

KC

This is what it means to be a tree

How beautiful are the trees... in the summer as they are full and and green and lush, in the fall as they begin to lose their leaves and turn into the most incredible colors, in the winter as they bare the weight of the snow and cold, and in the spring as they come alive as the sun comes and warms them back into life. All this time, they stand strong. If you asked a tree, "Tree, why do you stand so strong and why do you continue to grow as you go through all of these seasons and storms that cause you to bend and carry heavy burdens?" it would answer, "Because I am a tree, and that is what God has called me to do." There is nothing more beautiful that God's creations doing exactly what He has called them to do. What does He call us to do? One thing He asks of us is to be HOLY.

ho·ly (hl)adj. ho·li·er, ho·li·est

1. Belonging to, derived from, or associated with a divine power; sacred.

2. Regarded with or worthy of worship or veneration; revered: a holy book.

3. Living according to a strict or highly moral religious or spiritual system; saintly: a holy person.

4. Specified or set apart for a religious purpose: a holy place.

5. Solemnly undertaken; sacrosanct: a holy pledge.

6. Regarded as deserving special respect or reverence: The pursuit of peace is our holiest quest.
I

I Peter 1:13-25

Therefore, gird up the loins of your mind, live soberly, and set your hopes completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Like obedient children, do not act in compliance with the desires of your former ignorance but, as he who called you is holy, be holy yourselves in every aspect of your conduct, for it is written, “Be holy because I (am) holy.” Now if you invoke as Father him who judges impartially according to each ones works, conduct yourselves with reverence during the time of your sojourning, realizing that you were ransomed from your futile conduct, handed on by your ancestors, not with perishable things like silver or gold but with the precious blood of Christ as of a spotless unblemished lamb. He was known before the foundation of the world but revealed in the final time for you, who through him believe in God who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God. Since you have purified yourselves by obedience to the truth for sincere mutual love, love one another intensely from a (pure) heart. You have been born anew, not from perishable but from imperishable seed, through the living and abiding word of God, for: “All flesh is like grass, and all its glory like the flower of the field; the grass withers, and the flower wilts; but the word of the Lord remains forever.” This is the word that has been proclaimed to you.

We short change ourselves, others, and our faith when we consider ourselves anything less and live anything different than holy lives. There are times that I stumble... that we all stumble... and allow our human nature to get the best of us because we believe that because we are human... because we are flawed... that it's just not our fault if our human nature causes us to do or allow things that aren't holy. God calls us to be holy. Not just to be holy and SET APART... but to be holy in the way it is defined... to BELONG to Him. To be OF Him and IN Him. It is a continuum. We aren't just being set apart from the things and the way of this world to live a lonely and exclusive life. We are to live this life TOGETHER and IN CHRIST. It is such an INCLUSIVE thing if enough people are willing to live this way.

He is so HOLY
He is so WORTHY
He is so PRECIOUS
He is so GRACIOUS

And He love us... and He is jealous for our attention and affection.


HOW HE LOVES
john mark mcmillan

Verse 1:
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Pre-Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us so
Chorus 1:
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And the heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, When I think about, the way… He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

We aren't just sitting here on earth waiting to go home. We are to BRING HEAVEN HERE! We can experience His love, grace, mercy, power right HERE. He meets us where we are. HE WANTS to let you experience His love. And when you experience it... it IS heaven. Here... right here in the midst of this mess... he meets with me... and loves me... and lets me feel the weight of His wing and mercy. I don't have time to maintain regrets when I think about how he loves us.

Incredible.

Incredible.

Indescribable.

Unfathomable.

Love. Let Him love you.

Expect more from yourself... He will bless you. YOU ARE NOT A SLAVE TO YOUR SIN ANY LONGER! He has set you free.

YOU ARE FREE INDEED!

Please. Believe this and live like it is true... and let Him love you. You will learn more in a quiet moment, soaked in the grace and forgiveness and love of the living God, than in all the studying in the world. You will learn how to love and forgive and bless and encourage in ways that will blow your mind.

He is so GOOD!

Be Here Now.

KC

This is a confession

I don't like waiting...
I feel like a fool, waiting for reciprocation and affirmation
I need attention, I need affection,
I wish this were not true.

I really really really wish I didn't need people, because to be completely honest... they can be very VERY disappointing, not excluding myself.

So I confess... I need affection, attention, love, and reciprocation of love... and I hate it.

I feel cold, and alone, and foolish.

This too will pass... it just takes time. I want so much to be genuine, kind, loving, and vulnerable. But, I fear that those things, those things that I give without thinking and need so deeply, will not be provided. I wish that all of those things could be fulfilled by Christ. But, I believe that man was not meant to be alone. Thank goodness for my friends. I wonder what this discontent is about... I just feel restless... maybe God is doing something... taking me into the desert again to speak to me. We shall see...